Tasty Thursday: The Cookie of Life
December 4, 2008 — The Moody Foodie
See this cookie? Now, at first glance, you might think it’s an Oreo. And that’s what it wants you to think, I suppose, because it appears to want to be an Oreo really, really badly. But take a closer look. It doesn’t say Oreo, does it? In the middle where it should say Oreo, it instead has a woman. A woman, I might add, who looks as if she’s been applying said cookies directly to her hips. But it can’t be these cookies that gave our fat-bottomed friend her full figure, because you’ll notice that these cookies have “zero trans fats” written right on them. Or then again, maybe it IS because of these cookies. I mean, look at her—she looks a little angry standing there with her hands on her ample hips. Almost as if she’s saying, “Hey, wait a minute! You tricked me with that zero trans fats thing! I thought this stuff was diet food!”
Would the person who thought of this please come forward? Really. Embossing “zero trans-fats” ON the cookie? ‘Cause, you know whenever I’m eatin’ me a fistful of faux-reos, I’m all about how healthy they are. In fact, I can often be found examining each cookie individually to see whether or not it is labeled “zero trans-fats.” You just can’t be too careful these days. Why, I don’t eat anything unless the marketing people tell me it’s good for me. Sure, that fat free half & half is probably some sort of homogenated petroleum product, but doggone it, the packaging tells me if I use it I’ll live forever. And who doesn’t want to do that, right? I mean, what could be better than subsisting, for-ev-er, on nothing but the fat free fountain of youth? Cancer? Bah! Who’s afraid of cancer? Heart disease? It bounces right off. Why I’ve got a veritable force field of health protection around me, now that I’ve eaten a whole package of trans fat free cookies in one sitting.
And one of these days, when I’m celebrating my 612th birthday, and the space-age media androids come to ask me how I’ve lived so long, I’ll give credit where credit is due. “Sandwich cookies,” I’ll say, “and not those over-priced name brand ones, either. The cheap, imitation Oreos that say ‘no trans fats’ on them, Sonny, that’s the secret to long life.”
I Feel a Song Coming On…
December 3, 2008 — The Moody FoodieOkay, so now for a little bit of randomness. (Shocking, I know.)
In case you haven’t noticed, yesterday’s post was the first in a couple of weeks. Now, what you probably don’t know is that when I don’t post, I don’t even visit my blog. At all. And now you’re like, “So? Why would you? To see if you wrote anything new yet?” No, Smartypants, when I’ve been writing, Iobsess over frequently check my blog stats. How many people have been there? Has anyone left a witty response? Have there been any publishers offering book deals in the comments? Also, I re-read the thing, like, 652 times just to make sure I didn’t miss any typos. And, I even look at all the stuff that’s not really related to the current post like how many hits I’ve had from people searching for Pete’s Pride Pork Fritters, and what bizarre search engine terms have led people here lately.
So, because I hadn’t written, and therefore hadn’t been here at all, I’m just now seeing the great searches that were performed on my birthday. Are you guys doing this on purpose? Believe it or not I had three, yes, three searches on my birthday involving roller skating. One of which was “why people like roller skating.” Seriously? Seriously? Who needs to ask this? Hubster, was that you? (Oh, I’m sorry, that would be the “why people like dorky videos”search.) Um, why do people like roller skating? Hmm. Let me think…gee, how about because it’s fun? I mean, where else but the skating rink can you zoom around on wheels, to music, under a disco ball, AND watch people fall at the same time? Besides heaven, I mean. What’s not to like? Sheesh.
Then there was this one: skating alliteration. No. Way. Someone actually googled that and ended up here? Sweet. Those are, like, two of my favorite things. Skating and saying something that starts with the same sound. Heh heh. Another one of my favorite things is rewriting songs. Songs like, well, My Favorite Things…
Rewriting lyrics and butchering classics
Shocking the Hubster with kisses of static
Watching folks falling at the skating rink
These are the best things in life—so I think.
Writing in rhymes or with alliteration
Disco balls, coffee and procrastination
Big chunky jewelry and shoes with some bling
These are a few of my favorite things
Black raspberry pie and some laughing out loud
Yard-saling bargains and days without clouds
Having more hair than I had just last spring
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the sun’s gone
And my mood swings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply go get a big plate of cheese fries
(And vanilla Coke added straight to my thighs)
And then I don’t feel so bad
Yeah, I know, I don’t understand why no one is beating down my door to offer me a recording contract, either. Perhaps it’s because I can’t sing my way out of a wet paper bag.
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